Current music:	My music is broken again. Si~lence.
Entry tags:	fuuma/kamui, karen/arashi, nokoru/suoh, seishirou/subaru, tb/x, yuuto/sorata

Title: Sorata's Big Gay Adventure
Fandom: X
Pairing: Multiple
Genre: Crack!
Word Count: 3,924
Notes: Inspired by a discussion about how gay Legal Drug is. No, that won't make any sense. *g*
Summary: Sorata was having a nice NORMAL day, and then everyone got all gay on him.

---

It was a good day so far, Sorata thought cheerfully. Granted all he'd done was wake up and get dressed, but he'd woken up without anybody yelling or panicking, so that had to count for something.

When he reached the kitchen, though, Sorata reconsidered. It had been a good day. It had been a good day right up until he'd seen Subaru standing in the kitchen humming and stirring something while wearing a pink frilly apron.

"Um," he said faintly. "Subaru-san, what are you…"

Subaru looked up sharply from his pot, blushing slightly when he caught sight of Sorata's stunned expression. "Sorata-san. I-- would you like some breakfast?"

Sorata stared for a few minutes, blinking every so often. "No thank you," he said eventually. "I'm just peachy. Really. Have fun with your apron, I mean cooking, I mean-- you know what? I'm going to go do stuff that really needs to be done. Very important stuff. Bye!"

Subaru watched him go with a bewildered expression and wondered if Sorata was afraid of his cooking. That couldn't be it, though. Subaru's cooking wasn't that bad. Besides, Sorata had a cast-iron stomach: he'd eat anything.

So that left… what was so bad about his apron? Hokuto had always thought it looked cute, and it was the only apron he had. Maybe Sorata didn't like pink?

No, surely not. How could someone dislike pink?

Shrugging, Subaru returned to his cooking and squawked in dismay when he realised the pot was bubbling over.

~

As it so happened, Sorata did not have stuff to do, important or not. He was, in fact, incredibly bored, not to mention hungry.

"Bored, bored, bored," he muttered. His stomach growled. "Universe!" he wailed. "Why have you forsaken me?"

Kamui, who had been about to pass him in the corridor, blinked. "Sorata-san, are you… okay?"

"Huh?" Sorata turned around in confusion. "Oh, Kamui. Hey! Listen, how do you feel about going out for ramen?"

Kamui's face lit up. "Really?"

"Yeah, of course. My treat!" Sorata winked cheerfully, turning to walk in the opposite direction with Kamui trailing after him like a little puppy.

On the way there, Sorata chatted cheerfully away, pausing only occasionally for Kamui's reassurances that yes, he was still listening. When they got to the ramen place, Sorata ordered and joined Kamui back at the table.

"Um, Sorata-san," Kamui said hesitantly, "I just wanted to say, well, now I don't have Fuuma you and Subaru are my best friends."

"Aw, thanks!" Sorata said, vaguely touched. "Nice to know, kiddo."

"And the thing is," Kamui continued, staring nervously down at his ramen, "I just wanted you to know that I really really like you. And things."

Sorata froze in the middle of a mouthful of noodles. It sounded kind of like Kamui was cracking onto him… But that couldn't be right. But did normal liking warrant two reallys? And what was things supposed to mean? Things sounded ominous!

Clamping down on the uprising hysteria, Sorata forced himself to pause and regroup. Okay, now he was just being silly. Kamui was fragile; like he said, Sorata was one of his best friends. He just wanted reassurance.

Swallowing his noodles, Sorata grinned encouragingly. "Yeah, right back atcha. If you don't eat those soon they'll get cold."

Kamui didn't seem to even process the last comment, stabbing his chopsticks into the bowl suddenly and looking up. "Will-you-go-out-with-me?" he blurted.

Sorata's first fallback response was, Yeah, sure, whatever you want! but then the words actually filtered through to his stunned brain.

Kamui was asking him on a date? Kamui was asking him a date. But Kamui was a boy! And not Arashi! And-- okay, so Kamui had been cracking onto him after all.

"I just remembered I promised to meet Nee-chan!" Sorata squeaked hurriedly, about an octave higher than normal. "I have to, um, go and stuff and-- bye, seeya later!"

He fled the shop before Kamui could do so much as call his name.

Damn, Kamui thought. Maybe I should try with Subaru.

~

That was weird. That was very weird, so weird it out-weirded Subaru's pink frilly apron, and Sorata had no idea why it had just happened.

Back to the house, then. The house was safe! Well, relatively safe. He was quite sure nobody would crack onto him there, and pink aprons were safer than Kamui right now, anyway.

Closing the front door behind him with a deep feeling of relief, Sorata wandered the corridors aimlessly, whistling softly to himself. Maybe he'd had a bizarre morning, but that didn't mean his whole day had to be bad. In fact, all the funny stuff aside it was quite a good day-- he'd slept in, the sun was shining and there was no Angel activity.

The only downside ignoring the Incidents was the fact he'd only had half a bowl of ramen for breakfast, but that could be remedied.

Not by going to the kitchen, however. He didn't exactly feel up to going to the kitchen just yet. Anyway, it was such a large mansion that surely there had to be food somewhere other than the fridge. Right? Right?

That didn't mean Sorata knew where it was or could find it, however. In fact, his sense of direction was rather appalling.

Woe.

After an extensive and rather fruitless search covering nowhere near the entire mansion (and certainly not covering the kitchen or, more to the point, anywhere else that might have had food), Sorata was about to give up.

"Oh, Sorata-san! Are you lost? Did you need help with something?"

Sorata turned around, blinking, to find that he'd stopped just past an open doorway. "Imonoyama-san! Um, you wouldn't happen to know where any food is? Would you?"

Cue pitifully hopeful expression.

Nokoru tilted his head. "Not the kitchen?"

Sorata flushed. "Well, I, uh, just, um, there's nowhere else is there?" he stammered.

Nokoru gave him a curious look before smiling brightly and jumping to his feet, flinging his arms out. "Well, if the kitchen is out, that means a quest! What a pity I'll have to postpone this paperwork. Dear me."

Sorata had never actually noticed how… well… flamboyant Rijichou was before. How flamboyantly…

Gay.

"You know what? Never mind. On second thoughts the kitchen is great, or I can go out to the shops, whatever, didn't mean to interrupt your paperwork…" Sorata was backing away slowly, laughing nervously and rubbing the back of his head. He was imagining it. He had to be imagining it, because he was just all paranoid after the morning he'd had. He would have noticed by now if Nokoru were really that gay!

Wouldn't he?

"But I insist! I don't mind at all, rea--"

"Nokoru."

Suoh was leaning in the other doorway, to the right of where Sorata was. Nokoru froze and pasted an entirely too innocent expression on his face, eyes wide and guileless.

"Suoh, I was just going to help Sorata-san find some food!"

Suoh glanced at Sorata briefly and turned back to give Nokoru a very dry look. "If I were to measure this against past efforts, I'd have to say this is one of your less brilliant attempts at getting out of paperwork."

"Suoh, how could you be so suspicious?" Nokoru said tragically. "I would never do such a thing!"

He is not fluttering his eyelashes, Sorata told himself firmly. Boys do not flutter their eyelashes. You're seeing things. Besides, you're way too far away to actually be able to tell.

"Nokoru…" Suoh said, trying to sound uncompromising but coming a lot closer to 'weak'. "Not that look. Stop fluttering your eyelashes at me, it won't work."

"But Suoh," Nokoru said, pouting slightly, "it's so sunny outside. Surely you can't make me stay inside on a day like this? I've done all the urgent things, can't it wait until tomorrow?"

But there's so much, Suoh meant to say. It's a mountain again! You always let it build up! No, no going outside until it's all done.

What he ended up actually saying was, "Well, if you insist."

"You're so sweet!" and Nokoru was hugging him with a big smile before grabbing his arm and dragging him toward the door. Somehow, the protests of the responsible part of Suoh's brain didn't seem to be making it through anymore. "Come on, let's go find Akira! I'm sure he'd love to go on a picnic too!"

Sorata could almost feel the pervasive air of gay suffocating him. Time to scoot.

~

Sorata wasn't going to let it all get to him, he'd decided, partly because he was naturally optimistic and partly because he was hungry and the kitchen was the next logical stop-off.

"Subaru?"

"Yes, Kamui?"

Sorata froze, and somewhat guiltily hovered outside the kitchen, just out of the visibility range of its occupants. He wasn't eavesdropping, he reassured himself. He just really needed to use the kitchen. It was only tactful to make sure he wasn't interrupting something awkward first!

There was a deep sigh. "Nothing, I just…"

Footsteps. "Kamui, is something wrong?" Subaru sounded concerned. He probably had a hand on Kamui's shoulder, Sorata guessed, though hopefully the apron had been removed.

"Not exactly." Kamui's voice was soft, hesitant, the exact tone that made people want to hug him and stroke his hair and feed him soup. Sorata fought valiantly against the impulse to rush into the kitchen and do exactly that. "I just, I miss Fuuma."

"Oh, Kamui."

There was silence. Sorata assumed, quite reasonably, that Subaru was probably giving Kamui a hug.

"Don't let go," Kamui pleaded. "Please, Subaru. I need you."

Sorata experienced a very bizarre moment of extreme "what the fuck", complete with strange expression and twitching. In his usual cheerfully oblivious heterosexuality he probably wouldn't have thought anything of it; Kamui did need someone. After all, his world had just been turned upside-down and everything that meant something to him taken away.

Now, however… well, all that still stood, but Sorata couldn't help but be suspicious that Kamui was cracking on to Subaru now too. Which was just a little creepy, given he'd asked Sorata out on a date earlier that morning.

Why did he still want to go give Kamui a hug and feed him soup anyway? One of life's mysteries.

Whichever way, Sorata told himself firmly, it's just post-traumatic stress. Or something. There was some perfectly reasonable explanation for why Kamui was coming on to all his team mates. Really.

"Shh, shh, it's okay," Subaru said soothingly. "Of course I won't. I'll always be here if you need me."

He hadn't noticed. He hadn't noticed? Absolutely stunned, Sorata wondered if maybe despite the whole apron infraction Subaru really was one of the few pillars of heterosexuality remaining in the near vicinity. He must be, to stand strong in the face of Kamui's wounded puppy appeal. It was the only possible explanation.

There was something very wrong with that thought, although he couldn't quite pinpoint what.

Sorata tried to decide if now would be less or more awkward than earlier if he were to enter the kitchen. Not a good time, he eventually concluded. Subaru may be completely oblivious to the gay stinking up the room, but that didn't mean it wasn't there. Sorata could feel his heterosexuality crumbling just by standing near the doorway.

Later, he decided fervently. His stomach was grumbling but it could wait a little longer, couldn't it?

One glimpse of Subaru hugging Kamui affirmed that it most certainly could.

~

It had been at least an hour. Sorata hadn't checked any clocks, but it definitely felt like at least an hour. Surely, he thought with pathetic hopefulness, surely by now Kamui and Subaru had to be out of the kitchen?

He was absolutely dying of hunger, damn it. It was probably past lunch time, and he hadn't even had proper breakfast!

Patience paid off, apparently. This time when he peeked into the kitchen it was completely empty and thus devoid of any possibility of awkward scenes.

With a relieved sigh, Sorata started crossing the room towards the kitchen.

And then he felt it: the Sumeragi raising a Kekkai.

Torn, Sorata stared longingly at the fridge. Subaru would be fine, wouldn't he? He probably didn't need any help. Really. And the others were--

Probably further away than he was.

Giving one last mournful look at the fridge, Sorata quickly grabbed a slice of cold ham and dashed for the door, eating it on the way out. Sometimes, he reflected, he was too conscientious of his team mates for his stomach's own good.

~

The first thing Sorata noticed when he entered the Kekkai was that it was going to be really hard to find Subaru in this labyrinth of buildings. He could have followed the sound of fighting… if he could hear any fighting, the absence of which baffled him.

He could soon hear voices, however. Two voices, talking in similarly amused tones. The Sakurazukamori and the Dark Kamui, he figured out, but it didn't seem like Subaru was there. He wondered if he ought to attack them, but then, they were the two strongest Angels. It would be suicidal to start a fight when he was on his own.

Okay. Sneak past without letting them know he was there, regroup and find the Sumeragi. Good plan!

"Sometimes, Sakurazuka, I suspect that the only reason you're in this deal is to harass your opposite star."

A chuckle, a pause where maybe someone was inhaling from a cigarette. "And you're not, Monou?"

"Alright, point taken. Of course, we all know I'm in this for your charming company as well."

"Oh, of course. And if Subaru-kun weren't likely to get jealous, rest assured I'd take you up on your offer."

Low laughter again, then a short silence. The evil world-destroying enemies are not flirting amongst themselves, Sorata told himself firmly, because that would be strange and wrong. People who were evil and into bondage should not flirt with each other. It defied a whole code of Universal morals.

"Ah, and there comes the Kamui of Heaven. I'll leave you to it, shall I?"

"Thank you, yes. Have fun with your Subaru-kun."

"Certainly. I have every intention of doing so."

Sorata could hear someone-- the Sakurazukamori, presumably-- leaving in the opposite direction. He was too busy having a small mental breakdown to really pay it much heed.

"Kamui. How nice of you to join me."

"F-Fuuma."

"I've missed you," Fuuma purred. "Have you been avoiding me? That's not very nice of you."

"Fuu--" There was a gasp, followed by an aborted whimpering yelp. "What are you… a-ah!"

"And here I thought you loved me," Fuuma said, voice dark and smooth like Belgian chocolate. "Have you replaced me, Kamui?"

"N-no…"

"I think you're lying."

"I'm not! I wouldn't, I-- AAH!"

Right, Sorata decided, that was quite enough! He couldn't stand around listening to Kamui being tortured! Maybe he was putting himself in peril-- the Dark Kamui was dangerous, he knew that-- but he had to help. He couldn't just leave Kamui like that.

He ran out from the shelter of the wall he'd been hiding behind. Fuuma had Kamui pinned against the wall and was…

Licking his neck.

Ignore the gratuitous gay, Sorata told himself. Kamui needs your help!

"Hey, let go of Kamui, you bastard!"

Sorata was quite sure that Kamui wasn't looking disappointed or frustrated. It was just a trick of the light.

Impatiently, Fuuma lifted his head to glare at Sorata. "Look, do you mind? Some of us are busy right now!"

Sorata just gaped at him. Fuuma looked an awful lot like he wanted to bang his head against the wall.

"Kamui, fight back!" Sorata insisted when he'd gotten his composure back. It was a little bit odd that Kamui wasn't fighting even now that Fuuma wasn't really restraining him, but- maybe he was in shock. Yeah, that was it. "Don't let him intimidate you!"

Kamui blushed. "Um, actually…"

"You're interrupting," Fuuma said peevishly. "In case you weren't paying attention the first time, we're busy!"

Sorata turned to Kamui and was quite stunned to see that he was now neon red and not meeting Sorata's eyes. "Um. Yeah. Sorry, Sorata-san, but… do you, um, mind?"

Sorata's jaw dropped open. This wasn't… there was a perfectly reasonable explanation for this. Really. And it wasn't that Kamui wanted to have sex up against a wall with his twin star, because that was entirely unreasonable.

Argh! He just thought that!

He wasn't fleeing, Sorata reassured himself. It was strategic retreat.

Loud moan, and then: "Fu~uma… do that again…"

He was just going to pretend he hadn't heard that, because he didn't want his brain to dribble out his ears quite yet.

~

"Seishirou-san, what are you doing here?"

"That's not a very nice question to ask, Subaru-kun. One would almost think you weren't happy to see me."

Subaru sighed. "Are these games always necessary? If you're here to kill me, then get on with it. And if you're not… if you're not, why are you still here?"

Seishirou smirked, flicked the ash from the end of his cigarette as he took a few slow steps closer. "I'm not here to fight you, no."

Subaru looked away, bitter disappointment flickering through his eyes in a brief flash like a dying firefly. "Then leave me alone."

Seishirou almost appeared to consider this for a second, lifting his hand to his mouth and blowing smoke across the space between them. "No, I don't think I will. I said I wasn't here to fight you, Subaru-kun. I didn't say I was here without a motive."

Subaru backed up several steps, stopping with a jolt when his back hit the wall. "What do you want?"

Seishirou followed him, bracing his hand on the wall beside Subaru's head. Subaru flinched. "I want you to remember," Seishirou said calmly, "that you belong to me."

"How could I ever forget?" Subaru asked bitterly. "You've branded me. It's not exactly something I can escape from."

"You belong to me," Seishirou repeated, possessive anger beginning to show underneath the even tone. "You belong to me in every way, Subaru-kun, body and soul. I don't think you quite understand what that means."

"No, Seishirou-san," Subaru said quietly, turning his head sharply back to glare up at Seishirou. "I don't think you understand. I've always been yours. You just didn't want me."

Seishirou threaded a hand roughly through Subaru's hair, biting at his neck. "I never said," he growled, voice low, "that I didn't want you."

He crushed his mouth down on Subaru's, kissing him deeply and almost violently. Subaru moaned, arms winding desperately around the assassin's neck, and when the kiss broke off he was gasping for breath.

"Don't you dare look at anyone else," Seishirou warned him fiercely. "Don't even think about it."

Subaru smiled at him, a slight ironic twist of his lips. "I never have. Are you really that blind, that you hadn't noticed? Nine years, Seishirou-san, and you were the only one I ever saw."

"Good," Seishirou said viciously, kissing Subaru into pliant submission again and wrapping the other arm around his waist, a thigh pushed between the younger man's legs. Subaru was making little whimpering noises, arching up against Seishirou and clutching desperately at his coat.

Sorata gulped, feeling honestly scarred and wishing vaguely for death. Okay, so maybe Subaru wasn't a pillar of heterosexuality. Maybe he was just freaking insane and obsessed with his ENEMY.

Because Sorata didn't really want to die, however-- he wanted to repress, definitely, but he had always had a very soft spot for being alive-- he very carefully walked away without making a noise. He got the feeling that if he interrupted now, the Sakurazukamori would be a lot less understanding than Fuuma had been.

~

He was going home, Sorata thought fervently. He'd had enough, damn it! There was no Kekkai at risk and it wasn't like Subaru or Kamui were having any… problems… to speak of. Besides, he was feeling very fragile right now. He was traumatised! Scarred for life!

And worse than that, he was fucking starving. He felt like he'd been eating a steady diet of air and gayness.

Sighing melodramatically to himself, Sorata trudged home across the rooftops, figuring that he'd probably be safer from any further incidents than he would be on the ground.

"Ah, the Kansai monk."

Sadly, he was wrong.

"Oh god," Sorata groaned, burying his face in his hands. Was it not enough that the gods had given him such a shitty fate? He'd tried so hard to be cheerful despite it all, and then they did this! Why, gods, he lamented silently, why do you mock me? "Not you. Not now."

Yuuto felt just a little insulted by that. "Excuse me? What's wrong with me?"

"You wear a pimp suit!" Sorata wailed miserably. "It's pink! I feel gay just by looking at you!"

"There's nothing wrong with my suit," Yuuto said, utterly affronted. "And what's wrong with being gay?"

Sorata twitched. "Nothing. Nothing so long as it doesn't keep happening at me. I am not gay! I'm not! My destiny agrees with me!"

Yuuto began to grin suggestively. "Me thinks the monk doth protest too much," he murmured. "You're too uptight, kid. Are you sure you don't just need someone to show you a good time?"

"AUGH!" Sorata screamed, finally snapping after a day of extreme high-level stress. "What is this? AN EXPLOSION OF GAY?"

He ran off in the other direction, still screaming incoherently and waving his hands around like a lunatic. Yuuto watched him go with some level of curiosity.

"Explosion of gay?" he echoed, mystified and envisioning lavender and rainbow poppers. Then he shrugged. "Oh well. He'll be back."

~

Sorata was in desperate need of some heterosexuality. It's contagious, he told himself, rocking back and forth and gibbering quietly. It's like… it's like… it's like the gay plague, or something! Yes, all he needed was some nice, normal heterosexuality.

In other words, he needed Arashi.

She was back at the mansion, probably in her room. Sorata could almost feel the relief welling up in his heart at the thought of seeing her again. She'd make it all better. She always did, even by ignoring him.

Sorata flung open the door. "Nee-chan!" he exclaimed thankfully, and promptly froze, on the verge of passing out.

Arashi. Arashi and Karen. Arashi and Karen in a very compromising position on the bed, Arashi blushing faintly and Karen looking embarrassed but mildly smug.

"Sorata-san," Karen said tentatively, "did you want something?"

Sorata stood there and stared for several minutes, feeling a profound sense of zen settling down on him. "No, that's okay," he said vaguely. "Never mind. I get the point. I'll quit fighting."

"Pardon?" Arashi asked, completely perplexed.

Sorata didn't even seem to hear her. "This has to be some kind of divine sign," he said tragically. "Well, I give in. Do you hear me, gods? I give in! I'm gay!"

He threw his hands in the air, turning and walking out the door to go find Yuuto again with the two girls staring after him.

On the bright side, he thought suddenly, his destiny must have changed. He couldn't die for the woman he loved if he was gay, could he? Ahah! Loophole! And it wasn't like there was any shortage of cute gay guys around him, either.

Maybe being gay wouldn't be so bad after all?