Title: Charm
Fandom: Fullmetal Alchemist
Pairings: Roy/Ed
Genre: Crack, la.
Word Count: 11,632
Notes: This is the OTHER fic that has been sitting on my harddrive forever. Since Augsust 05. Me and those big ones, geez.
Summary: Ed has a problem with all the women that swoon over Roy. Roy is miffed that Ed doesn't think he's charming. Hughes is "helpful".

"Ah, Fullmetal," he said calmly, signing Yet Another Sheet Of Paper without bothering to read it, "what can I do for you today?"

"You!" Ed said accusingly, pointing a gloved finger at him. "This is all your fault!"

"I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about." Roy propped his chin on his hand, head tilted with amusement. "You're going to have to be more specific than that."

"You've put something in the water, haven't you?! Or designed some kind of perverted alchemy, you shit Colonel, or something--"

Roy watched with a faint smirk as the short blond ranted, pinwheeling his arms around in a most entertaining fashion, and raised an eyebrow.

"Every time I go near one of the women around here I can always tell if you've been there! All they do is simper about how fucking good looking you are! It's all, 'oh, he's so charming, he smiled at me!'" Ed mimicked in a sickeningly sweet voice, over-exaggerating a faked swoon before his features twisted back into a fierce scowl and he slammed his hands on the desk. "Like brainless ditzy morons! Every single fucking time! How the hell do you expect me to get anything done?"

Roy sighed dramatically. "Oh, the hardships of being charismatic. Really, I can't help it if women love me."

"Yeah, right," Ed snorted, eyeing him with disgust. "Egomaniac. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get assistance out of someone who's mooning around like a lovesick cow?"

"Not really, no. I always find women to be very helpful, actually," Roy said smugly.

"Only because they don't know what an arsehole you are," Ed muttered sourly, glaring. "Just, whatever it is you're doing. Stop it."

"Ah, but what if I'm not doing anything?"

"Bullshit! You have to be doing something, and it's annoying!"

"Sorry, Edward-kun," Hughes said apologetically, stopping in the door to Roy's office. "He's always been like that. Or should I say, girls have always been like that around him. Even my two favourite ladies!" He sighed theatrically, and then grinned, much like one would expect a clinically insane psychopath to do. "Of course, he'd never try anything on either of them, would he? Because if he did…"

"He wouldn't," Roy interrupted hastily. "He has more sense than that. Is there a reason you people are congregating in my office, or is the lure of my company really that hard to resist?"

"Idiot," Ed said witheringly. "Don't get any delusional ideas. I was just leaving, anyway. I only came to inform you that your fan club is pissing me off."

"Duly noted," Roy answered, gracious to a fault. "Hughes?"

Hughes brightened with the obsessive fervour of a true zealot. "Elysia got a new dress! With ribbons and matching gloves!"

Ed took this as his cue to beat a hasty retreat, and his mood lightened when he saw Hawkeye walking very purposefully in the direction he'd just left. Probably, he thought with vindictive glee, to make Mustang do some actual work for a change. The Lieutenant was one of the few women fully immune to Roy and his so-called charm. Hah, served him right.

Charming? That self-opinionated, smug, manipulative jerk?

As if.

~

After a week or so, Roy had mostly forgotten the conversation had ever happened. He wasn't exactly in the habit of forgetting things, obviously, as it wasn't a good survival trait to have in his position, but it had definitely been shunted to the back of his mind; still in his memory, but all but completely disregarded. After all, it was hardly a rare occurrence: Ed's outbursts were a frequent and particularly amusing addition to Roy's days, and as for the subject of his complaint…

Well, everyone made that complaint at least once, and then they usually got over it quickly, apart from the odd exasperated roll of the eyes or shake of the head. It was simply Roy being Roy; one might as well have complained about the fact that water ran downhill.

Then again, Roy wouldn't put it past Ed to complain about something like that. Or try to change it, for that matter.

Still, it was at the back of his mind, and he was reminded of it suddenly when he caught Ed's snort of disgust as the short blond walked past while he was flirting with one of the typists.

The girl giggled and blushed, flustered when he offered her a cocky smile and bid her farewell. He turned back to Ed, and really, that expression of sheer disgust never grew old.

"Did you want something, Fullmetal?" he asked innocently, inquisitive air at odds with his cat-that-got-the-cream smirk.

"Hah!" Ed said, giving him the evil eye, and stalked past mumbling something about how being a slippery bastard wasn't the same as being charming, fuck it, and if people were going to philander around the entire female section of the army they could at least have the decency not to do it in the corridors when other people had just had their lunch, thanks all the fucking same.

A lesser man might have burst out laughing then and there. Roy Mustang, in an excellent display of character, managed to wait until he got to his office.

He was considerate like that-- it was part of his charm.

~

Another day, another brainless blushing girl ruining his break. Ed was starting to remember precisely what it was about headquarters that got on his nerves so badly, aside from Roy himself.

"And I thought I had a shot with her, too," Havoc sighed, the very soul of dejection. "No guy can get a date 'round here, Boss. Another one lost!"

"Another one Roy-ed," Ed corrected flatly. "You can feel the freaking IQ level in the room dropping."

"Roy-ed?" Havoc said, curiosity shifting his mournful gaze from the open door back to Ed. "What, you mean…"

"When they start blushing and their brains dribble out their ears, so all they can do is giggle and look like some kind of fucking stunned otter?" Ed finished, accurate if more than a little scathing. "Exactly. Roy-ed."

"Roy-ed, huh?" Roy said thoughtfully as he walked back through the door, privately chuckling at the way Havoc almost dropped his cigarette and swore. "I think I like the sound of that. Thank you, Fullmetal."

"Fuck off," Ed groused, and pretended not to notice the way Hawkeye's mouth quirked with amusement, though whether at his expense or Roy's was unknown. Both, probably.

Just his luck, that Mustang would like it. Jeez.

~

The question had grown into a running argument, one that was often continued on in the break room or the corridors or, on the most recent occasion, in Roy's office after Ed had finished his report.

"Very well, Fullmetal. I'm glad you at least managed to keep the town intact this time."

"Eh. Whatever."

"Now, more importantly… Do you really not find me charming?"

Stare.

"Okay, what?" Ed said eventually, when he figured out that Roy was actually waiting very patiently for an answer. "You are kidding, right?"

"You're the only one that doesn't," Roy told him, a touch reproving. "Really, I'd wonder if there was something wrong with your social skills if I didn't already know there was."

"Ha-de-fucking-ha," Ed said sarcastically, and very seriously contemplated transmuting Roy's chair into a bucket of water. It would be so satisfying. So very satisfying.

And so very not worth the elaborate revenge the shit would come up with, probably. Ah, Fullmetal, I'd like you to investigate this dairy farm for the possible illegal transmutation of milk. Of course, you will have to drink vast quantities of it so that you will be capable of identifying the subtle difference in the taste…

No, definitely not worth it, and even less worth it for the thought of the patently disappointed sighs Al would give for the whole day after. Ed winced and restrained himself, if only just.

"Perhaps you require counselling," Roy mused, rubbing his chin. "Childhood trauma must have adversely affected your social development, I would think."

The scowl deepened. Disappointed sighs, Ed reminded himself, and felt grudging admiration for how much of a bastard the Colonel was truly capable of being.

And yet he still manages to fool unsuspecting women into adoring him. Che'.

"Only the people who don't know you believe your crap," Ed said, mustering as much dignity as he possibly could. "Wanker," he added a second later, almost as an afterthought.

Roy considered all the possible dirty retorts he could make-- I thought we'd already established that that kind of thing isn't necessary?-- but it was too easy, too lacking in style. "Oh?"

"What about Lieutenant Hawkeye?" Ed crossed his arms in triumph. "Ah hah, see! And if you say she's socially retarded I'm so telling."

"Of course she's not. But I'm afraid you're mistaken, Edward-kun."

"… Huh?"

"Lieutenant Hawkeye will freely acknowledge my charm," Roy said, smugness itself. "It simply doesn't work on her."

"What--! But--!"

Ed sputtered for a moment, temporarily lost for words before he managed to rally himself for another attack. "Fine, what about all the people who hate you?"

"They call me a smooth bastard," Roy countered, "which is an insulting way of calling me charming."

Ed's fist itched to punch that self-satisfied smile off Roy's face. Tense silence followed, until:

"Fuck you," Ed announced grumpily. "The whole universe is delusional."

The door made a gratifyingly loud thudding noise when he slammed it behind him.

"Interesting idea," Roy told the door thoughtfully, apparently in response to Ed's first comment. "I'm glad you suggested it."

It was probably just as well Ed was out of hearing range, or he would have had to spend the next day with Al's disappointed sighs after all.

~

Something was horribly, horribly wrong.

Ed was absolutely positive that this was so. He didn't know what, precisely, but something definitely was.

He stared at the chocolates.

The chocolates, had they possessed eyes, would probably have stared back.

"What the fuck?" said Ed eventually, having concluded that no explanation was going to suddenly pop out of the woodwork.

"Chocolates, Edward-kun?" Hawkeye asked mildly, pausing as she walked past his desk.

"What are they doing here?" he demanded of her, as if expecting her to somehow know and answer the why-how-who-why running through his head. She tilted her head slightly, studying them with a contemplative expression that suggested that she did perhaps have some ideas, but…

"I assure you, your guess is as good as mine," she said dryly.

"Right," Ed mumbled, dejected and defeated if just for the moment. "Well, whatever. Want one?"

"If there are any caramel," she replied, smiling slightly. "Thank you."

Ed opened the box, brow furrowing as he found a small white card and read the curly elegant handwriting swirled out across it in black:

Think of this as a reward for your hard efforts, Fullmetal.
Roy Mustang

"What the fuck!" Ed exclaimed indignantly, jumping up so he could storm around and make expansive hand gestures in a more effective manner while he ranted about sneaky bastards with ulterior motives, because damn if Mustang had ever shown a scrap of gratitude before so why start now? (While he fumed, Hawkeye found one of the caramel chocolates from the mixed box, since Ed had offered, and reflected that he held a rather remarkable likeness to a fluffed up alley cat. She also wondered what the Colonel was up to this time, and sighed mentally at his childishness.)

Something was not right in Ed's universe. Something was usually not right, of course, in the form of the distinct lack of Philosopher's Stone; the Colonel and his constant teasing were hardly anything new, either. However, there were levels for these things. The wrongness factor had just shot up exponentially. The status quo was well and truly upset.

In other words, he'd been right: something was horribly, horribly wrong.

~

Things went from bad to worse, or, perhaps, from wrong to incredibly disturbing. Roy was continuously smirking at him, which was normal enough, but there was something bizarrely suggestive about this particular smirk. It was not Roy's usual smirk. It was some other, even more horrible smirk that had hitherto only been unleashed on People Who Were Not Ed. (It didn't occur to him that most of those People did not consider it to be horrible.)

Ed was sure of this.

At least, he was pretty sure. There was always the possibility that he was imagining it; he couldn't decide which of the two possibilities was more concerning. Would it be worse if there really were something different about the Colonel's smirk, or worse if Ed were certifiably paranoid?

Then again, he was probably certifiably paranoid anyway, and better the devil you know.

Roy kept looking at him, too. Ed knew he wasn't imagining that much; every time he looked up from writing his report, he'd inadvertently catch Roy's eyes, because Roy was staring at him. Or… not staring. Gazing. With that smirk. Argh.

Ed's nerves were growing considerably frayed.

"He's up to something!" he told Al hysterically. "I know he is! He's out to get me! This is some kind of plot to make me snap!"

"But, Nii-san… why would the Colonel want to do that?"

"Because he's a sadistic prick! Because he enjoys laughing at me and his entire life is devoted to causing me pain and I'm going to kill that asshole put me down Al!"

"Nii-san," Al said reproachfully to his wildly flailing sibling, "if I put you down, you'll do something stupid like attack the Colonel."

Ed was practically frothing at the mouth. "Exactly! So let me down!"

"Nii-san, that's not what I--"

"Edward-kun, is there a problem?" Roy asked solicitously, on his way back through the corridor, and Ed froze mid-flail.

"YOU!" he howled, pointing an accusatory finger, although it was hard to tell whether the exclamation was intended as an answer to Roy's question or simply an involuntary reaction to his presence. Both, perhaps, but Roy apparently chose to take it as the latter.

"Yes, me. If you're not feeling well, why don't you take the rest of the day off and spend some time with Alphonse-kun here? You don't need to worry about the report, Hughes has already filled me in about the more important details," he offered generously, complete with an understanding tone and expression. That was a smile, wasn't it?

Roy did not smile! Roy smirked!

Roy had disappeared off down the corridor before Ed could respond or even fully process this.

"Huh?" the older Elric managed several minutes later, hanging limp from Al's hold on his jacket with a dazed and dumbfounded expression.

"I think he said we could go, Nii-san," Al said tentatively, when there was no further response, and placed his brother gently back down on the ground.

"Oh," Ed answered blankly, staring off down the corridor. "Right."

It took a few more seconds, but all things considered, Ed rallied himself rather well, resuming the argument with his usual vigour as they made their way out of the building.

"See? See? That's exactly what I mean! He's up to something, he's out to get me, he's trying to confuse me, or, or lull me into a false sense of security or--"

"I think he's just being nice, you have been working hard recently…"

"Roy Mustang is not nice! Roy Mustang is a smug infuriating jerk who finds it funny to make Edward Elric do what he says! He wouldn't do anything nice without an ulterior motive! He's up to something, this is proof! Proof, I tell you! We've got to keep an eye on him, Al, see if we can figure out--"

Al sighed, tuning out Ed's rant as they walked alongside each other, uncomfortably aware on Ed's behalf of all the people staring at them as they passed by in the street.

Sometimes he worried that his brother was a little paranoid, and more than a little obsessive.

~

Other people in the office were beginning to notice.

At first, they thought they were imagining it; the Colonel wasn't really making passes at Edward Elric, because that just wasn't what the Colonel did. He was a womaniser, which meant he sleazed onto a lot of women, and one could hardly accuse Ed of being a woman.

Mostly because he was fairly evidently male, of course, though… well, there was also the fact that one simply wouldn't dare, not if they wanted their eardrums and other anatomy to remain intact.

There was only so long they could delude themselves, however. Ed's constant hunted expression was easy enough to explain away, because Ed was notoriously paranoid, but they'd all seen Roy on the prowl too many times not to recognise the signs.

Hawkeye, as the only one not awed by Roy's dating prowess or intimidated by the prospect of him branching out, thought that perhaps she ought to ask him what precisely he thought he was doing before something blew up. It was not so much that she was concerned about what he did with his love life-- childhood friend or not, he could take care of himself in that arena-- as that she disapproved of it disrupting the workplace. There was a difference between courting the typing pool and stalking those directly under one's command, after all.

For one thing, the latter was fraternisation. Much more importantly, however, Edward was far more volatile than typists. Hawkeye wasn't particularly impressed by the idea of cleaning up after Roy's messes, and she told him as much.

 "I have no idea what you're talking about," Roy told her, radiating innocence from the very core.

She snorted. "No, I'm sure you don't."

"Exactly. So, if you wouldn't mind--"

Her safety catch made a very noticeable click when it was released. Sometimes he wondered how she always managed to do that so quickly.

"Paperwork."

"… Ah, yes, of course."

Hours ticked by slowly, the main sounds in the office being the rustling of paper and the scratching of pens. Ed didn't seem to be calming down, however. He was staring at Roy's office with an intent look, possibly the look of prey trying to figure out an escape. He'd have a much better chance if he had a clue what he was trying to escape, really.

Hawkeye sighed and decided to stay firmly out of this, having had her say, and the hour hand on the clock continued to make its slow and tedious rounds.

"Fullmetal, I'm glad you're still here," Roy said, emerging from his office having finally signed his way through the never-ending stack of paperwork. "I've been meaning to talk to you."

"AAGH!"

Ed literally jumped, leaping up out of his chair and flattening himself against the wall. He stayed there, panting and wide-eyed, until he managed to transmute his surprise into rage with as much skill and speed as any alchemical transmutation he'd ever performed. "You! What do you want, you shit Colonel? You're up to something! I know you are! So don't pretend you're not, you--"

"Actually," Roy broke in smoothly, "I was just intending on asking if you'd like to go to lunch with me on Friday. My treat."

"--complete and utter--" Ed broke off mid-rant, mouth hanging open and expression priceless. "-- eh?"

"Of course, if you have any objections to this…"

Apparently, Ed was speechless.

"No? Wonderful. Then if you'll excuse me, I'm sure I'll see you tomorrow."

Ed stared after Roy in the same hopeless, dumbfounded confusion from the other day, not quite able to muster the familiar trusty rage straight away. This wasn't right. This wasn't how things went. This was scary and inexplicable and bewildering. Ed didn't like things he couldn't figure out with good hard research!

Everybody else was hard at work scribbling away intently, obvious proof that they had all been eavesdropping and were now trying to pretend that they hadn't been paying attention at all.

Nobody quite had the heart to tell Ed he looked an awful lot like someone who'd just been Roy-ed.

~

Ed first began to catch a clue when Roy started opening doors for him and pulling out chairs.

Any sniggers from the peanut gallery-- mostly Havoc, though Ed sometimes wondered if his little brother weren't secretly laughing at him too-- were quickly quelled by Ed's death glare. He was not going to put up with being laughed at, but he was still not entirely sure what this worrying behaviour signified. Yelling just resulted in Roy smirking enigmatically-- the horrible smirk, not the normal one.

Ed was growing suspicious, obviously, but his brilliant mind was simply not geared towards matters of this kind; he came up with any number of hypotheses, some impressively creative and all completely and utterly ridiculous. The only ones even vaguely plausible were that Roy was either sick or being impersonated by Envy, and Ed had to admit that he couldn't think of any sickness that would explain this and someone else probably would have noticed and said something by now if it were the latter.

Maybe Roy had finally snapped?

Ed found this thought oddly comforting. Insanity was almost an old friend, by this point; insanity, he could cope with.

However, he began to reconsider this as the Colonel's strange behaviour persisted and, if anything, grew even more troublesome. (As did the sniggers. Ed was now absolutely positive that Al was laughing at his expense, and unfortunately the younger Elric was immune to death glares.) Coping with insanity, he started to recall, did not mean he liked it. Anyway, there was crazy, and then there was crazy.

Roy was quickly heading over the line into "sincerely bat-shit scary", as far as Ed was concerned. Mustang being nice like this was just not natural.

Instead of wondering about what was going on, Ed concluded that Roy had indeed gone off the deep end and began wondering why. That was the problem, when people one knew started acting like psycho-crazy weirdos; one actually had to think about the cause, because people didn't just do things like this on a sudden whim.

Or maybe they did, if they were Roy. But the whim had to be caused by something. Ed was first and foremost a scientist-- everything was about cause and effect. Things he couldn't explain irked him.

What also irked him was the fact that Roy's craziness seemed to extend only to Ed himself. Around everyone else, he was the same smug, irritating, arrogant, lazy shit Colonel Ed had come to know and… and something, over the years. Find comfortingly familiar in an overly annoying and ultimately frustrating way, that was it.

Then again, it occurred to Ed in a vague way that he hadn't been running into any women who looked like they'd been run over by the Roy virus recently. Maybe it was connected to Roy's behaviour towards Ed?

… Naaah.

Ed tried to balance his pencil precariously on the edge of his empty glass. Okay, so, facts: Roy had finally snapped, for some unknown reason, and was behaving like a lunatic.

Possible causes: None. Who knew? He'd been replaced by pod people, the stress had finally gotten to him, he'd been abducted by aliens…

Wait, maybe that was it! Not the aliens, the stress. Although the aliens were also fairly compelling. But anyway. Maybe Roy was just an idiot who needed a break? Not that he ever did much first place, but Ed wouldn't be much surprised if Roy was completely allergic to any form of hard work. Yeah, that had to be right.

Brilliant! Ed congratulated himself smugly. Crisis averted! Now he could safely go back to ignoring the Colonel and his stupid antics, reassured that nothing was going to blow up in the very near future. A great load off his mind, there.

"These are for you, Edward-kun," Hawkeye said, interrupting his train of thought with a very put-upon sounding tone.

"Huh?" Ed said lamely, brain completely derailing, and had a large bouquet of flowers thrust into his arms accompanied by a long-suffering expression. "What, for me? Why are you…"

"The Colonel," she said dryly, interrupting, "has instructed me to give them to you and convey his apologies that he is currently not permitted to leave his office until his paperwork is done."

"The C--" Ed started to say, and stopped.

The pencil clattered to the desk, upset from its shaky perch, and Ed received a sharp whack to the back of the head with the clue trout.

"That bastard!" he fumed loudly, drawing attention from all across the room, and marched over to Roy's office, banging hard on the door with his automail fist, flowers still clenched in the other hand. "OI! YOU! WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT YOU WANNA TREAT HIM LIKE A GIRL, HUH?"

"Fullmetal?" Roy said inquiringly, raising an eyebrow slightly as he opened the door and Ed almost fell inside. "Is there a problem?"

"You!" Ed snarled, shoving the rather battered flowers at Roy's chest. "What the fuck do you think you're doing!"

Roy accepted the flowers back automatically, wincing slightly from the force of Ed's shove. "Well, I thought that was rather self-evident, Fullmetal. Please don't tell me I have to explain?"

Ed opened his mouth, and then he closed it, and then he opened it again, looking rather like a fish out of water. A particularly red, Roy-struck fish. Eventually he settled on a scowl, a comforting base instinct suitable for all situations.

"Argh!" he announced, very eloquently, and turned on his heel to stalk out of the room, clearing a path through the people who had once more found something utterly fascinating about their work.

Roy blinked after him, not quite sure whether to be bewildered or amused. He decided to go with amused, after a moment's thought.

"And you're still not charming, you shithead!" A voice called back from the distance, filled with all the righteous indignation of a belated comeback.

"It's not my fault you're impervious to being charmed," Roy said to thin air, a little miffed, and felt that his victory had been somewhat tarnished. Nevertheless, it was but one small battle.

He still had the rest of the war to win, after all.

~

Ignorance was bliss.

Ed had many contentions with that statement; he wanted to know things, dammit. There was nothing good about ignorance: it made you stupid. It was likely to get you killed. Ignorance (and arrogance) was, for example, what led to one trying to transmute their dead mother.

In this particular case, however, he was willing to make an exception.

Ed knew that he was a genius; no point in pretending otherwise, because false modesty pissed him the hell off. He also knew that his genius was strictly limited to the academic and the alchemical, and that he'd been known to be a little bit… dense, when it came to other people. Whenever he forgot this little fact, Al made sure to remind him. Sometimes this oblivious approach could be a very bad thing.

Right now, however, Ed would have given anything to have his tunnel-visioned denseness restored to him, because he had just realised that Colonel fucking Mustang was indeed one smooth and charming bastard.

This didn't change the fact that he was irritating and Ed sometimes-- usually-- wanted to punch his damn face in. Oh, no. It was simply that now Roy had turned his attention from the secretarial pool to Ed (and Ed had stopped being paranoid that Roy was out to kill him), Ed was beginning to understand how one might, just possibly, be persuaded to maybe describe him as sort of somewhere in the vicinity of charming.

"Simply". Hah!

That was exactly what Roy wanted him to admit, of course; that was the whole point of this idiotic exercise, and Ed was nothing if not contrary. Roy would lord it over him for the rest of his natural life, and he already had enough material for that.

On the other hand, the sooner Ed admitted it, the sooner Roy would leave him alone.

Unfortunately, as much as Ed hoped it would be, realisation wasn't the kind of thing you forgot about. Once it had dawned, you were stuck with it; you couldn't just turn it on and off at will like a light.

Stupid realisation.

So for now, at least, Ed was trapped in the singularly uncomfortable position of being stalked by Roy and knowing it.

Wow, Ed thought blankly, I wish he'd stop smiling at me. Stupid bastard, why's he got to be so damn hot anyway?

Ed cursed under his breath at the inanity of his own mind, the fact that everyone was secretly laughing at him, the fact that his brother was not so secretly laughing at him, the fact that he hadn't been given any missions for about two weeks now, the fact that knowing someone was good looking was different to actually being aware of it, the very existence of Colonel Roy Bloody Mustang, about one hundred million other things… The list went on.

Ed suspected that he was in the middle of being well and truly Roy-ed, and he found that he didn't like it one horrible bit.

Fuck, he thought miserably, and collapsed in a defeatist sprawl across the top of his desk. I bet I look like a stunned otter.

Life was just not fair.

~

Roy's cunning plan was not going entirely to… well, plan. Which was not to say it wasn't working at all, because it was, at least in some respects. It was fairly reasonable to assume, going by the completely shell-shocked expression that graced Fullmetal's face and the lack of witty retorts and/or outraged shouting every time Roy spoke to him, that Roy's efforts were having some effect.

To get Ed to admit he was charming, Ed had to be charmed; to charm Ed, and perhaps persuade him into going on a date, Roy first had to coax him into admitting that Roy was in fact charming. It was a win-win situation: the goals were inextricably linked, so to achieve one was to achieve the other. Another might have faltered at the enormity of the task, but Roy was made of sterner stuff-- he did, after all, have to put up with his team on a daily basis.

Anyway, the goal was at this point so near he could feel it.

However, he'd hit somewhat of an impasse. Charming Ed was all very well and good, but there was a fatal flaw: he could hardly exert his legendary charm on someone who wasn't there.

Ed was avoiding him, dammit. That wasn't part of the plan.

"Alphonse-kun, are you sure you wouldn't be able to tell me where your brother is?" Roy asked, somewhat resigned. He wasn't really expecting an answer; this was a last resort. Even if Al did know, he'd probably be more inclined to protect Ed than tell his brother's stalker.

That was, superior. Yes.

"I'm sorry, Colonel," Al said, actually sounding fairly apologetic, which proved how different he was from the other Elric sibling. "But even I don't know where Nii-san is right now."

"Oh," Roy said, and deflated a little. So, he couldn't even use bribery, trickery or blackmail. There went his last hope; Al, unlike Ed, wouldn't lie.

"If it helps, I think he's being very silly," Al added.

"Well, I have to say that silliness is something I almost expect from Fullmetal by now," Roy answered, dry humour creeping back into his defeated tone. "If he weren't behaving like a brat, I'd wonder if there were something wrong with him."

"I'll be sure to pass that on," Al promised, and Roy was quite sure he wasn't imagining the evil glint passing the younger brother's eye… things.

Roy smirked.

"You do that," he purred, brightening considerably at the thought of the ensuing temper tantrum, even if he wouldn't be there to see it. Baiting Fullmetal was practically a national pastime, and one Roy took great joy in.

He turned to leave, and then paused, turning his head. "Make sure to throw in a slur about his height," he added, because Roy Mustang did not appreciate his cunning plans being disrupted, and this was revenge.

"Of course, Colonel!"

Alphonse Elric, it seemed, was a much more valuable and formidable ally in all things Ed-related than Roy had previously suspected. Note to self, Roy thought, with cautious respect:

Always keep Al on your side.

~

"But Nii-san, why are you avoiding the Colonel?"

Al was exasperated. There was no reason for Ed to be running away all the time, other than the general fact that he was a complete moronic spazz. Al wasn't stupid, not like his brother was when it came to things like this. Ed was always more centred when he was on the offensive, not the defensive, and this shouldn't be any different.

Ed, so far as Al could see, had three choices: to run away, to turn the tables or to shoot Mustang down in no uncertain terms. It depended on what it was that Ed actually wanted; Al personally felt that this was door number two, even if Ed was too dense to figure this out for himself, but the third option was theoretically just as good, if Al was reading the signals wrongly.

And Ed, naturally, had chosen the one dumb option. Trust him.

"Hello?" Ed said incredulously. "Why? In case you haven't noticed, that freak is stalking me!"

"Yes, but…"

Sometimes, you needed tact with Ed. Be too blunt, and he'd run like a skittish horse. Then again, on the other hand, if you were too subtle he'd completely miss the point, because emotions were just not his strong suit.

Al had dealing with his brother down to a fine art, however.

"But Nii-san, you don't seem to mind so terribly much when he does, so why would that bother you?"

Ed stared at his younger brother, completely sidelined. He opened his mouth, and hesitated, the silence stretching out. Al had to suppress the slight giggle fighting to escape; Ed looked so silly with his mouth open and that blank expression on his face.

"Huh?" he said eventually. "What's that supposed to mean, I don't mind?"

"Well, you haven't seemed very upset about it until now," Al explained, diplomatically failing to mention the salient fact that Ed frequently looked dazed for up to an hour afterwards. It wasn't upset; that wasn't what Al would call it. Ed was very vocal in his displeasure.

Al chose to believe that the stunned otter look was a positive sign, because Al was a very smart boy and the evidence was really not in Ed's favour on this one.

"What are you implying?" Ed demanded quickly, strangely defensive, and then degenerated into a tirade about "who's been Roy-ed now? Hah! As if!" and the questionable morals, heritage, and intellectual capacity of "that stupid rat bastard, who does he think he is, just try it--", which left Al part confused, having been absent when Ed coined the charming little term "Roy-ed", and part amused, having not been implying half so much as Ed appeared to be denying.

If the shoe fit, though…

"-- and so much for his fucking looks, hah! Who'd go out with him? Women are crazy! Okay, so maybe he's not that bad looking, but it doesn't change the fact he's a complete arsehole! Just because he's kind of hot when he's smirking at someone else for a change, maybe that's what they see in the bastard, but jeez, shallow much? I don't care how hot he is, nobody messes with the Fullmetal Alchemist--"

"… Uh, Nii-san?"

"What?" Ed snapped, all fired up and annoyed at being interrupted mid-rant. "Don't stop me, Al, I'm on a roll here!"

"Yes, but, Nii-san, maybe you should slow down for a minute and wait for your brain to catch up?"

What the hell are you talking about, Ed was about to snarl, but then his brain did catch up to his mouth and he realised that Al was giving him a very funny look. He did a mental review of what he'd just said, and promptly froze.

"Uh."

"Nii-san," Al said tentatively, "if that's why you're hiding from the Colonel, it's not a very good reason."

"Of course that's not why," Ed said, eyes sliding away to the side rather shiftily. "What a thing to say to your older brother."

"Only," Al continued, with no regard for Ed's feeble protests, "only, I just think that would be sort of sad, Nii-san."

Ed looked very affronted at that, but Al had an unfortunate point.

"Why would I do something like that?" Ed argued lamely. "That's a dumb idea. Why should I care how good looking freaky perverted Colonels are? He can stalk me all he goddamn likes, I don't care how smooth he is! Bastard," he added, just for good measure.

Silence, again.

"Stop looking at me like that, Al."

Al continued to wear his best dubious look in his older brother's direction, and said nothing.

Ed twitched.

"Al…"

"It might take forever for the Colonel to give up and find someone else," Al said reproachfully. "Are you going to hide for that whole time, Nii-san?"

Ed's eyes narrowed dangerously. "What did you say?"

"I said, are you going to hide--"

"No, the other bit."

"Oh," Al said, as if he hadn't known exactly what Ed meant and planned it that way. "It's just, he does seem pretty determined, even though you are ignoring him--"

"What do you mean, find someone else!"

Ah hah, Al thought smugly, so I was right. Point one, me.

"Well, this is the Colonel, after all. He's pretty stubborn, but I guess even he'll give up eventually, so you don't need to worry too much, right? He does tend to go through pretty quick phases with girls--"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT HE'S A GIRL?"

 "-- so he must have a pretty short attention span for this kind of thing, don't you think?" Al finished brightly, ignoring Ed's outburst.

Ed was scowling fiercely, by this point, fists and jaw clenched tight. Wait for the fireworks, Al thought, wincing a little, because Nii-san could get a little… worked up, sometimes. 3… 2…

"Who does that bastard think he is, huh?!" Ed howled, flailing with rage and accidentally thumping Al in the chest, too outraged to even notice. "Nobody plays the Fullmetal Alchemist, god fucking damn it! So he thinks he can jerk me around and then get bored? Hah! HAH! I don't think so! We'll see who catches who, oh yes, I'll get him back for this, and the slurs about my height, that bastard, just wait, hahaha, he's got it coming this time--!"

Al sighed, tuning out once he figured out that Ed was only just getting started. Really, that was much too easy; Ed took his obsessions way too far, some of the time.

Well… most of the time.

Meanwhile, Ed was still rhapsodising about how he was going to win this time, oho, that shit Colonel wouldn't know what hit him, Ed's plan was so great, and Al wondered if he ought to pack up and take a nice, long trip back to Rizembool before Ed or the Colonel figured out he'd interfered.

It was for their own good, Al reassured himself. Probably. Ed's good, at least. He'd be happier. Or something. In the long run. If this worked, anyway. And it would.

Al always won, after all.